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Dear Preston:

I first want to say that I am a huge fan of your work and was appreciative of the advice you gave the bride who was having issues with her sister-in-law stealing her wedding ideas. I thought you may be able to assist me with my own family issue as well. My mother and I have always been close, but our different outlooks on love and marriage are causing us to drift apart. My mother and father divorced when I was a child, and my mother never seemed to move past her feelings of being upset at the situation. As a result, my sister and I are on the constant defense of our love lives!  When my fiancé proposed, I had to prepare myself for the lack of enthusiasm I knew would be met with my engagement.  At first, I thought I could manage her small jabs and eye rolls, but it’s now starting to impact my planning process. She wants to be included, yet continues to complain. It not only brings everyone down, but it’s also embarrassing. I don’t want to exclude her from certain things, but I feel like talking to her about this has to be put off until after the wedding, in order to avoid further hurt feelings and drama. That said, I do need to do something to protect the joy of the planning process and the day itself. What should I do?

– Downed By Mother Debbie

Dear Downed:

I want to say how saddened I am about your situation, but also how impressed I am by your love for your mother. Instead of throwing a fit or attacking her, you seem to understand her and want to find a way to include her in your big day, in spite of her behavior. What a lucky lady she is! What a lucky lady you are as well, for as much as she complains (which sounds like a habit) she attends those meetings with you in spite of her own feelings. Since you say an open and frank discussion with her is not an option,  let’s talk about other ways we can help her to keep those feelings to herself a little more.

If I were in your situation, I would consider doing the following:

Take mom to a really nice lunch and tell her how much you appreciate her being a part of the process. While doing so, ask her what she thinks about taking ownership of aspects of the wedding in which you wouldn’t mind her handling. Giving her something to control is a nice way of incorporating her into the event and allowing her to feel involved. It’s also a good way to get her to focus on specific things and not on the marriage itself. Do your best to keep your conversations about the tasks at hand and avoid topics that tend to set her off.

In closing, I will say that you, as the bride, have a right to enjoy the process of planning your wedding, the wedding itself and your marriage. In your effort to “avoid hurt feelings” I encourage you not to sacrifice your own feelings for the cause.

In the end, you and your mother clearly love one another, and I bet you will still love one another after a frank –albeit uncomfortable–discussion that touches upon your respect for her and your need of her respect for your relationship and happiness.

Readers: What would you do in this situation? Would you confront the Mother of the Bride or sacrifice your own feelings?

Many blessings,

Preston

(Photo Courtesy of Pinterest)