Dear Bridal Dilemma:
My mother and I have always been close, but our different outlooks on love and marriage are causing us to drift apart. My mother and father divorced when I was a child and my mother never seemed to move past her feelings of being upset at the situation. As a result, my sister and I are constantly on the defense of our love lives! When my fiancé proposed, I had to prepare myself for the lack of enthusiasm I knew would be met with my engagement. At first, I thought I could manage her small jabs and eye rolls, but it’s now starting to impact my planning process. She wants to be included yet continues to complain. It not only brings everyone down, but it’s also embarrassing. I don’t want to exclude her from certain things, but I feel like talking to her about this has to be put off until after the wedding in order to avoid further hurt feelings and drama. With that said, I do need to do something to protect the joy of the planning process and the day itself. What should I do?
Debbie Downer’s Daughter
Dear Downer’s Daughter:
In a perfect world, engagements and weddings would bring out the best in everyone but let’s face it, we are all human beings who are but a culmination of all of our thoughts, feelings, fears and experiences. Hence life events, both big (like engagements and weddings) and small (like who does and doesn’t do the dishes) can trigger reactions that aren’t easy for those around us to understand. First, we want to acknowledge how impressed we are by the love and respect you clearly have for your mother. Unlike some brides who might throw a fit or attack her lack of support, you seem to understand that she needs a bit of support herself and want to find a way to include her in your big day. What a lucky lady she is! And what a lucky lady you are as well, for as much as she complains, which sounds like a habit, she attends those meetings with you despite her own feelings. Since you say an open and frank discussion with her is not an option, let’s talk about other ways we can help her to keep those feelings to herself a little more.
If we were in your situation, we would consider doing the following:
Take mom to a really nice lunch and tell her how much you appreciate her being a part of the process. While doing so, ask her what she thinks about taking ownership of aspects of the wedding in which you wouldn’t mind her handling. Giving her something to control is a nice way of incorporating her into the event and allowing her to feel involved. It’s also a good way to get her to focus on specific things and not on the marriage itself. Do your best to keep your conversations about the tasks at hand and avoid topics that tend to set her off.
In closing, we will say that you, as the bride, have a right to enjoy the process of planning your wedding, the wedding itself and your marriage. In your effort to “avoid hurt feelings,” I encourage you not to sacrifice your own feelings for the cause.
In the end, you and your mother clearly love one another and I bet you will still love one another after a frank –albeit uncomfortable – discussion that touches upon your respect for her and your need of her respect for your relationship and happiness.
Bridal Dilemma
Reader: We want to hear your thoughts on this matter. What would you do in this situation? Would you confront the Mother of the Bride or sacrifice your own feelings? Give our bride your two cents!
Are you a bride, groom or guest with a dilemma? We’re here to help! Email us at BridalDilemma@prestonbailey.com and we’ll answer here on the blog every Friday.
(Photo Courtesy of Pret-A-Porter)
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